Why does everyone think the future is space helmets, silver foil, and talking like computers, like a bad episode of Star Trek?
The reward of energy, enterprise and thrift is taxes.
If I want to knock a story off the front page, I just change my hairstyle.
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
I'm spending a year dead for tax reasons.
I'm a misplaced American, but don't know where I was misplaced.
I may be a living legend, but that sure don't help when I've got to change a flat tire.
It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes.
The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion.
As for our majority... one is enough.
Have enough sense to know, ahead of time, when your skills will not extend to wallpapering.
Marilyn vos Savant
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
W. C. Fields
I like children - fried.
W. C. Fields
If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.
Gambling: The sure way of getting nothing for something.
Why do you have to be a nonconformist like everybody else?
I have a very low level of recognition, which is fine by me.
A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live.
I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
Who picks your clothes - Stevie Wonder?
Parents are the last people on earth who ought to have children.
We owe to the Middle Ages the two worst inventions of humanity - romantic love and gunpowder.
I did not have three thousand pairs of shoes, I had one thousand and sixty.
Children are smarter than any of us. Know how I know that? I don't know one child with a full time job and children.
It is to be observed that 'angling' is the name given to fishing by people who can't fish.
Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing.
I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.'
Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
We are all born mad. Some remain so.
I no doubt deserved my enemies, but I don't believe I deserved my friends.
Food, love, career, and mothers, the four major guilt groups.
It's simple, if it jiggles, it's fat.
The superfluous, a very necessary thing.
Every cloud has its silver lining but it is sometimes a little difficult to get it to the mint.
The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl.
When we ask for advice, we are usually looking for an accomplice.
There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
So, where's the Cannes Film Festival being held this year?
The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
Include me out.
I love to go to Washington - if only to be near my money.
I like marriage. The idea.
My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.
Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.
Age is something that doesn't matter, unless you are a cheese.
Man cannot live by bread alone; he must have peanut butter.
James A. Garfield
I'm kidding about having only a few dollars. I might have a few dollars more.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
The one thing you shouldn't do is try to tell a cab driver how to get somewhere.
I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with Guess on it. I said, Thyroid problem?
The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.
I consider that a man's brain originally is like a little empty attic, and you have to stock it with such furniture as you choose.
Arthur Conan Doyle
Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.
I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.
They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.
Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.
There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.
Henry A. Kissinger
By all means let's be open-minded, but not so open-minded that our brains drop out.
It takes considerable knowledge just to realize the extent of your own ignorance.
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
Progress might have been alright once, but it has gone on too long.
Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
Prejudice is a great time saver. You can form opinions without having to get the facts.
E. B. White
I think the eyes flirt most. There are so many ways to use them.
Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.
I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.
One advantage of talking to yourself is that you know at least somebody's listening.
Franklin P. Jones
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.
Don't talk about yourself; it will be done when you leave.
I'm like old wine. They don't bring me out very often - but I'm well preserved.
The best preparation for tomorrow is doing your best today.
H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
Let us sacrifice our today so that our children can have a better tomorrow.
A. P. J. Abdul Kalam
If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.
The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched - they must be felt with the heart.
Change your thoughts and you change your world.
Norman Vincent Peale
If you believe in yourself and have dedication and pride - and never quit, you'll be a winner. The price of victory is high but so are the rewards.
Perfection is not attainable, but if we chase perfection we can catch excellence.
Today I choose life. Every morning when I wake up I can choose joy, happiness, negativity, pain... To feel the freedom that comes from being able to continue to make mistakes and choices - today I choose to feel life, not to deny my humanity but embrace it.
I hated every minute of training, but I said, 'Don't quit. Suffer now and live the rest of your life as a champion.'
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us.
Believe you can and you're halfway there.
Try to be a rainbow in someone's cloud.
I believe in pink. I believe that laughing is the best calorie burner. I believe in kissing, kissing a lot. I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls. I believe that tomorrow is another day and I believe in miracles.
No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted.
Clouds come floating into my life, no longer to carry rain or usher storm, but to add color to my sunset sky.
My mission in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive; and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humor, and some style.
We know what we are, but know not what we may be.
As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them.
John F. Kennedy
I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination.
Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven't found it yet, keep looking. Don't settle. As with all matters of the heart, you'll know when you find it.
Health is the greatest gift, contentment the greatest wealth, faithfulness the best relationship.
Start by doing what's necessary; then do what's possible; and suddenly you are doing the impossible.
Francis of Assisi
It is during our darkest moments that we must focus to see the light.
Put your heart, mind, and soul into even your smallest acts. This is the secret of success.
Keep your face always toward the sunshine - and shadows will fall behind you.
Nothing is impossible, the word itself says 'I'm possible'!