Funny Quote

Why does everyone think the future is space helmets, silver foil, and talking like computers, like a bad episode of Star Trek?

Tracey Ullman

The reward of energy, enterprise and thrift is taxes.

William Feather

If I want to knock a story off the front page, I just change my hairstyle.

Hillary Clinton

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

George Carlin

As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.

Buddy Hackett

I'm spending a year dead for tax reasons.

Douglas Adams

I'm a misplaced American, but don't know where I was misplaced.

Ruby Wax

I may be a living legend, but that sure don't help when I've got to change a flat tire.

Roy Orbison

It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes.

Jay London

The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion.

Fred Allen

As for our majority... one is enough.

Benjamin Disraeli

Have enough sense to know, ahead of time, when your skills will not extend to wallpapering.

Marilyn vos Savant

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.

Ellen DeGeneres

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

W. C. Fields

I like children - fried.

W. C. Fields

If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.

Joan Rivers

Gambling: The sure way of getting nothing for something.

Wilson Mizner

Why do you have to be a nonconformist like everybody else?

James Thurber

I have a very low level of recognition, which is fine by me.

Dylan Moran

A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live.

Bob Hope

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

Rodney Dangerfield

Who picks your clothes - Stevie Wonder?

Don Rickles

Parents are the last people on earth who ought to have children.

Samuel Butler

We owe to the Middle Ages the two worst inventions of humanity - romantic love and gunpowder.

Andre Maurois

I did not have three thousand pairs of shoes, I had one thousand and sixty.

Imelda Marcos

Children are smarter than any of us. Know how I know that? I don't know one child with a full time job and children.

Bill Hicks

It is to be observed that 'angling' is the name given to fishing by people who can't fish.

Stephen Leacock

Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing.

Robert Benchley

I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.'

Demetri Martin

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

George Carlin

We are all born mad. Some remain so.

Samuel Beckett

I no doubt deserved my enemies, but I don't believe I deserved my friends.

Walt Whitman

Food, love, career, and mothers, the four major guilt groups.

Cathy Guisewite

It's simple, if it jiggles, it's fat.

Arnold Schwarzenegger

The superfluous, a very necessary thing.


Every cloud has its silver lining but it is sometimes a little difficult to get it to the mint.

Don Marquis

The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl.

Dave Barry

When we ask for advice, we are usually looking for an accomplice.

Saul Bellow

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

Chris Rock

So, where's the Cannes Film Festival being held this year?

Christina Aguilera

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.

Phyllis Diller

Include me out.

Samuel Goldwyn

I love to go to Washington - if only to be near my money.

Bob Hope

I like marriage. The idea.

Toni Morrison

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

Woody Allen

Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.

Robert Orben

Age is something that doesn't matter, unless you are a cheese.

Luis Bunuel

Man cannot live by bread alone; he must have peanut butter.

James A. Garfield

I'm kidding about having only a few dollars. I might have a few dollars more.

James Brown

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

Fred Allen

The one thing you shouldn't do is try to tell a cab driver how to get somewhere.

Jimmy Fallon

I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with Guess on it. I said, Thyroid problem?

Arnold Schwarzenegger

The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.

Terry Pratchett

I consider that a man's brain originally is like a little empty attic, and you have to stock it with such furniture as you choose.

Arthur Conan Doyle

Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.

Hedy Lamarr

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

George Burns

Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.

Brooke Shields

I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.

Les Dawson

They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.

Clint Eastwood

Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.

Mae West

When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.

Albert Einstein

There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.

Henry A. Kissinger

By all means let's be open-minded, but not so open-minded that our brains drop out.

Richard Dawkins

It takes considerable knowledge just to realize the extent of your own ignorance.

Thomas Sowell

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.

Rodney Dangerfield

Progress might have been alright once, but it has gone on too long.

Ogden Nash

Weather forecast for tonight: dark.

George Carlin

Prejudice is a great time saver. You can form opinions without having to get the facts.

E. B. White

I think the eyes flirt most. There are so many ways to use them.

Anna Held

Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.

Anthony Burgess

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.

Walt Disney

One advantage of talking to yourself is that you know at least somebody's listening.

Franklin P. Jones

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

Jim Carrey

Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves.

Abraham Lincoln

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

Abraham Lincoln

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.

Phyllis Diller

Don't talk about yourself; it will be done when you leave.

Wilson Mizner

I'm like old wine. They don't bring me out very often - but I'm well preserved.

Rose Kennedy

The best preparation for tomorrow is doing your best today.

H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

Let us sacrifice our today so that our children can have a better tomorrow.

A. P. J. Abdul Kalam

If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.

Milton Berle

The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched - they must be felt with the heart.

Helen Keller

Change your thoughts and you change your world.

Norman Vincent Peale

If you believe in yourself and have dedication and pride - and never quit, you'll be a winner. The price of victory is high but so are the rewards.

Paul Bryant

Perfection is not attainable, but if we chase perfection we can catch excellence.

Vince Lombardi

Today I choose life. Every morning when I wake up I can choose joy, happiness, negativity, pain... To feel the freedom that comes from being able to continue to make mistakes and choices - today I choose to feel life, not to deny my humanity but embrace it.

Kevyn Aucoin

I hated every minute of training, but I said, 'Don't quit. Suffer now and live the rest of your life as a champion.'

Muhammad Ali

We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us.

Joseph Campbell

Believe you can and you're halfway there.

Theodore Roosevelt

Try to be a rainbow in someone's cloud.

Maya Angelou

I believe in pink. I believe that laughing is the best calorie burner. I believe in kissing, kissing a lot. I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls. I believe that tomorrow is another day and I believe in miracles.

Audrey Hepburn

No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted.


Clouds come floating into my life, no longer to carry rain or usher storm, but to add color to my sunset sky.

Rabindranath Tagore

My mission in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive; and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humor, and some style.

Maya Angelou

We know what we are, but know not what we may be.

William Shakespeare

As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them.

John F. Kennedy

I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination.

Jimmy Dean

Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven't found it yet, keep looking. Don't settle. As with all matters of the heart, you'll know when you find it.

Steve Jobs

Health is the greatest gift, contentment the greatest wealth, faithfulness the best relationship.


Start by doing what's necessary; then do what's possible; and suddenly you are doing the impossible.

Francis of Assisi

It is during our darkest moments that we must focus to see the light.

Aristotle Onassis

Put your heart, mind, and soul into even your smallest acts. This is the secret of success.

Swami Sivananda

Keep your face always toward the sunshine - and shadows will fall behind you.

Walt Whitman

Nothing is impossible, the word itself says 'I'm possible'!

Audrey Hepburn